A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard.

“Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked.

“Can you describe it?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.”

Wife was trying to train a dog.

Husband: You will never succeed in making that dog obey you.

Wife: Darling it’s only a matter of patience, I had a lot of trouble with you in the beginning!

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:

“Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me. Can you please help me and send the fire squad right away?”

“Take it easy! Cats don’t hurt us. Just relax and wait until it leaves.”

“You don’t understand it is going to bite me; it is going to be fatal!”

“Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous. By the way, who is calling?”

“I’m Josephine’s parrot, you idiot! Help me please, help!”

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves.

They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother. ‘Well,’ said the first one, ‘I bought mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.’

‘I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.’

‘I’ve beaten you both,’ said the third. ‘I bought her a miraculous parrot that can talk to her.’

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.

‘Gerald, the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, and I have to clean the entire house. Milton, the car is useless because I don’t go anywhere; I’m too old. But Robert, you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.’