Wife: “Why are you late?”

Husband: “There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.”

Wife: “That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it?”

Husband: “No, I was standing on it.”

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

“What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, boss. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river – look, my suit’s still damp – ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”

“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”

Teacher: “Why are you late this morning?”

Student: “It’s my alarm clock. Everyone got up except me!”

Teacher: “How did the alarm clock make you the only one not to get up?”

Student: “There are eight of us in the my family and the alarm clock was only set for seven.”

A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. “Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!”

The wife, startled at her husband’s reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!”

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband’s mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

“WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY???

Where are we going to get the butter? They’re going to stick! HURRY!”

The wife runs to the fri-

“CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don’t you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!”

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.

She gasps “What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs.”

The husband simply smiles, remarks “I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I’m driving with you in the car”, and leaves.